From my section on thebluehouse.co.za web page under chirology life path guidance
Ten Tips for Communicating Clear Boundaries
In communicating with others, others being partners, children, parents, co workers, staff, anyone with whom you need to communicate regularly.
What I have noticed in my work is that most people when communicating are often not heard or often don’t listen. Usually we don’t make eye contact and even don’t sit /stand in front of the other.
The Native American Indians use a talking stick when they wish to communicate; the speaker and the listener give that space “sacred attention”. How often have you heard, but you didn’t even hear what I said, or you didn’t say that.!
The following ten points can improve communications and therefore understanding between others, without us /them taking it personally.
1. Instead of seeing a boundary as a limit or an imaginary wall that you have to protect with a sword, consider it a technique that allows you to feel safe and more fully expressed.
2. People don’t know your boundaries until you inform them.
3. When possible, inform people what your boundaries are before they are breached.
Example. “I’ve being doing boundary work lately and I’ve recognized a few basic rules that, when observed, allow me to be at my best. Would you like to hear my boundaries?
Do you have any boundaries that you’d like me to honor?”
4. Let people know how you like to be treated without blaming, shaming, or making them wrong. It is helpful if you reiterate that all you want them to do is to listen to you, they don’t have to respond at that moment, or fix anything, just listen.Also important that you are clearing with their behavior Not the person , so they mustn't take what is being said personally !
Usually when you have clearly stated that all you require from them is to listen and not even respond or apologize , and tell them this how you are feeling , and you realize it is your stuff that is coming up from their behavior , and by saying how you feel is a good way to bring it to consciousness, so that you can resolve and clear it in you own self . Once this is made clear the other person usually willing listens totally as they don't have to respond.
If the other wishes to respond encourage them to wait a while before they do.10mins or so.
All they really require them to do is at the end of your communication .Is to say "Thank you , for sharing" ,this indicates to you that you have been heard.
This is the exact way you respond when someone is clearing with you.
Remember no relationship works if you dictate to the other how they should be, it then becomes a dictatorship which usually ends up ending most relationships.
Ps one can use this Process even if the "other" is not physically present . It still has the same effect of saying how you feel.
5. True friends/partners are happy to hear how you like to be treated.
6. When a boundary is breached, it’s best to have a cleanup conversation as soon as possible after that breach. Example: There’s something I’d like to clear with you ... is now a good time ?”
When you use the word “clear” it informs them that this is not going to be an argument, but a clearing that some behavior/action has disturbed you and now you just have to express that. Remember in life, our closest relationships are our biggest teachers, it’s what we have to learn ie standing up for one self, and until you get that, the behavior /action will continue.
Interestingly we never have a problem when we want to say how we feel if it is about love ,joy ,happiness that someones behavior has made us feel , so why can't we express our frustration, irritation,anger as well,they all just feelings!
7. You always have a choice.
If someone crosses your boundaries and does not respond positively to you informing them how you like to be treated, you can simply leave, or ask them to leave, in either case without creating a scene.
If someone repeatedly breaches your boundaries, it’s your choice to spend time with that person or not.
8. Boundary setting becomes easier and more graceful each time you practice. Eventually it will feel natural and automatic.
PS,,,...Sara and I have created imaginary people we clear with , Rodney and Martha! It just adds a lightness to ones communication, ie I will say I need to clear with Martha regarding what I asked Martha to do and it hasn't been done and now I am feeling...... Irritated, annoyed etc.....the other person then does not feel it is directed at them personally .....Which it isn't. It works most times ..however one may still end being annoyed , so just sit with that feeling and then clear it .
9. Appreciate and validate your friends /partner when they have appropriately observed your boundaries.
10. Boundaries evolve as we evolve.
Sometimes boundaries have to be revised.
Listen to your body, heart, and belly. Feel, Find out where you stand by bringing awareness to the truth of where you are in your evolution. Because we are all growing, expanding, and evolving beings, our boundaries are constantly changing. As we build power we feel safer, and we create more comfortable boundaries.
Info:- from Power of Now .Stillness Speaks Echart Tolle . Ester@ Jerry Hicks ~Getting into the Vortex.Tantra &Native American Workshops and my experience in doing over 580 readings in past 4years.
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